Surviving Holidays With a Highly Dysfunctional Family
Holidays are so explosive for highly dysfunctional families because everyone within earshot has a hypervigilant limbic system and if anything can possibly be taken the wrong way – it will be. Rarely does anyone pause to ask for clarification and without being cued in to body language there is little that can act as a buffer. It’s as if there is a lightning storm over a field of lightning rods.
The odds of friction, smoke and fire are heavily weighted toward ignition. If you want to attend a family gathering which typically goes as described above, prepare with weeks of meditation to build up an emotional buffer and put yourself in witness mode. Exercise 3-5 times a week to keep stress from building up and overflowing unexpectedly. These are things you should already be doing anyway (it’s called being prepared and Self-Care). Prepare a cheat sheet of conversational questions and be prepared to practice your listening skills using such phrases as:
- How did you feel about that?
- What did you think about that?
- What are your options?
- How do you see that turining out?
- What is your take/opinion on that?
I once had a small panic attack as I flew down to visit my father and step-mother. “Oh my god! What was I thinking? What am I doing? How am I going to be able to stand it without telling them what I really think?” When my breathing finally evened out I was inspired to ask my father questions about himself, his childhood and his relationship with his grandfather, whom he loved dearly. It wasn’t long after I arrived that I felt the need to implement my plan. It worked beautifully and it was delightful to see my father so animated and forthcoming with stories I had never heard him tell before. Be ready to engage and to compliment family members. If they start bashing a family member that isn’t present, go get another piece of pie and relocate to friendlier territory. Even if you feel justified in saying something too, you will only get yourself worked up and ruin your own holiday.
Family gatherings are usually not held in a dungeon; therefore no one is going to chain us in place. If it gets too uncomfortable we can give a harmless excuse and exit stage left. The other choice is ‘don’t go.’ We are adults and have a right to share holidays with whomever we choose- our own little family, our significant other’s family, friends, volunteering feeding the less fortunate. We can go on a holiday vacation out of town. We can do that every year if we want. We get to decide the best way for us and our own nuclear family to make good memories as we celebrate the holidays.
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