Immovable Boundaries-Gatekeepers to Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being
Immovable Boundaries are Your Gatekeeper
Immovable boundaries are the Gatekeepers to your mental and emotional well-being. Today you’re going to find out just how that works. Life is going to get a whole lot better for you—starting right now.
We have been lost when it comes to boundaries. We have wandered, back and forth, over the wavy lines of what should or should not be allowed in our interactions with our romantic partners, family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers. Others have treated us however we allowed them to. Since our wants and needs as children carried so little concern amongst the adult players in our life, we never developed the understanding that we decide how we will or will not be treated.
Because we do not understand about setting boundaries, conversely, we do not understand about not violating others’ boundaries. This is another mystery of healthy relationships that regularly sets us on the outside, peering in. But no more.
We must set unwavering psychological, emotional and physical boundaries that safeguard our tranquility and happiness. We defend our borders by allowing persons that respect our boundaries to come incrementally closer, as we gradually invest our vulnerability into the relationship, crafting that love we know we deserve.
Go slowly when forming new relationships. Don’t tell someone you barely know your life story, your deepest secrets and unfulfilled desires. This is especially important in dating. Ease into bonding by sharing a little, then wait until they share a bit, before you open-up further. It’s like a game of ping pong, back and forth, easy does it. The Childhood Trauma Recovery for Adults Program (in WORTHY A Personal Guide for Healing Your Childhood Trauma) contains an entire chapter on this essential self-preservation skill.
Some of the simplest relationship and communication solutions escape us. As children we were so busy getting through each day with the craziness that was our life that we usually missed subtle social cues. For that reason, I am going to list some boundary ideas to get you started:
- There are no rules that say you must answer your phone. Every device nowadays has a message taking mechanism. You have the option of listening to the message and deciding when and how you want to respond. 1) Not at all. 2) If you don’t want to talk to them you can answer in a text or email. 3) You can text and say you will get back to them once you have had time to think about their message (sometime next season perhaps). 4) You can take the time to think about how you want to handle a conversation with them and call them back when you feel prepared to communicate clearly and calmly.
- When you get a text or email from a crazymaker in your life give yourself at least an hour before you respond. Stick to the facts and stay away from getting sucked in when you are clearly being baited. Better yet, just ignore it (deep belly-breathing helps a lot to calm your nervous system down). Initially the messages will escalate, but eventually they will peter out. The other party is attempting to get their adrenaline fix by poking and prodding your buttons. If you remove their access to your buttons they will seek another victim from which to get their fix. There are a select few I have permanently blocked from my phone, email and social media accounts. Others you may want to temporarily block until the air clears, or you are feeling less overwhelmed by their influence and behavior. Choose peace for yourself. No one will do it for you.
- If you are invited to go somewhere that you absolutely dread going, don’t go. Come up with a viable, polite excuse and don’t go. If it is a family holiday or reunion, from which you leave each year wanting to slit your wrists—don’t go. Honestly, you don’t even need to give an excuse other than” I’m so sorry I can’t attend; I’ve already made other plans.” You are responsible for your own happiness. Don’t blame others for making you miserable if you make it so easy for them. Be prepared for guilt trips, to which you might want to reply, “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Or, “we will miss seeing you all this holiday but let’s do something special when I return.” If they want to feel spurned and sulk, that is their choice and not your responsibility to resolve.
Just as with respect, self-respect is earned. You don’t magically possess it because you decide one day you want it. Not at all! Self-respect is earned one act and decision at a time. I’m here to tell you it is an ongoing practice. Expect challenges; that’s a sign of growth. It’s a good thing.
Having boundaries is one of the most important relationship techniques you can learn. When your inner child knows you have a firm plan in place for self-protection it can relax considerably. Scientifically, this means your amygdala can loosen its death grip on your triggers. The more consistent you are with your set boundary lines the less others will challenge them and the more balanced and enjoyable your life will become.
Love & Light to You ~
Josephine
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