The Monster Under the Bed
Despite a hypervigilant limbic system (the primitive part of our brain) which seems to take us to the verge of the abyss regularly, we have been told that those of us with post childhood trauma symptoms in adulthood don’t fit into the PTSD diagnosis. Our level of dread and unresolved fears continue to play out in our adult lives to such a degree that they play havoc with our very sense of reality. I don’t mean like we’re crazy, just crazed. How is that different? It’s different because we still have our adult self which exhausts itself daily holding us together. Some of us function like clockwork, due to the impossible expectations we set for ourselves. Expectations which dangle before us, always just out of reach.
Some who wrestle with post childhood trauma symptoms in adulthood choose to wear the excruciating mask of false perfection, which is an addiction itself. Others choose to numb themselves via drugs, alcohol, food, etc. At least they are giving clues out to those who care to observe and respond. The ones who pretend that nothing is amiss are playing a special kind of roulette.
Throughout my adulthood I was in complete denial over the outrageous fear that fomented within the parts of me in mental lockdown. Being married, a stay-at-home mom and in a church with myriad rules, which I used to further distract myself, all served as a safety zone for my traumatized child parts (TCPs). When I experienced a surprise divorce, all those defenses crumbled at once and I was left tending my rampant traumatized child parts, all simultaneously crying out in pain, demanding their needs be met. My dissociation increased exponentially and so did the things I did to distract myself. It was like running a marathon every day as I struggled to distract myself through working, exercising, attending college and caring for my three children as a single parent. The more I had to juggle the safer I felt.
“Know thyself,” is the last thing someone with a history of chronic childhood trauma wants to do. We expend an enormous amount of energy running from the monster under the bed . . . which is, we believe, our Self. The tools and techniques we employ for distraction are multitudinous. We are experts at not knowing ourselves, something we have perfected to the point of near obliteration of our True Self. This is heartbreaking because the only path to healing is through our True Self which has all the answers we need to lead us to a liberated state where we love and accept our self because we discover we are love and we are enough.
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Copyright ©2018 Josephine Faulk, MPH. Excerpt from WORTHY A Personal Guide For Healing Your Childhood Trauma by Josephine Faulk, MPH. Available, along with accompanying Workbook, on Amazon.
Thank you, Josephine; your work is more important than many realize.
Thank you Leslie. My heart and soul are in this work. So many of us have lived or are living lives of quiet desperation. It does not have to be that way. It’s a long and windy road to recovery, but it is a thrilling journey with forever life-altering results. Be well.